I am not sure about what I am doing with life. I know I am just living day by day to survive. What do I live for? I am unsure. I thought college will change things a bit but not really. Why do I feel like I would be different if I went away for college. College is so depressing for me as of now. The people I see almost everyday, I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m the only official “city” girl there. Everyone seems to get a long so well because they’re from some where else in the USA. I was so ready to move away from New York City… And start somewhere new. I am not sure why I stayed.. Was it because of him? I was so confident about going to culinary school and forget New York City and everyone in it. Now I feel lonely living in the city that I call home. It’s so depressing just thinking about next semester because it’s going to be the same all over again.. The same group of people I will see everyday and I will still feel left out. I always get this awkward stare from them, a few who gives the bitchy eww stare. the rest are the uncomfortable stare. I am always in that situation. Poor me. It’s always the most random moments but thank god I have my phone. I wonder what happened to that girl who used to be super social and just didn’t give a fuck. Now I am just not as social and I feel awkward. Why did I let myself slip 3 years ago. Now this hole is so hard to climb out of. I became lonely and socially awkward all within a couple of months of depression. I don’t exactly have friends to tell what I am going through or anything.. It’s just me and my mind. I want to feel happy and be able to look forward to mornings and nights. Now I am just not feeling it again.. I was really proud of myself the past year. Now I’m just full of disappointments. I tell myself not to compare myself to others fine. But how can I not compare others happiness and liveliness to mine? They are full of joy and I’m just eh. Sometimes I feel desperate to be happy and love my life but no. I rather sleep than socialize. I am a wreck. No one cares. I am turning 20 in 6 months and I’m still that depressing and lonely 17 year old. No progress made in 3 years. How wonderful. I want to be able to truly smile because I have a reason to live, reason why I look forward to waking up in the morning and sleeping at night, I want to be proud to know why I am living without taking it for granted.